This time a year ago, I was waking up with little sleep and an anxious heart. It was THE day. The day I had been waiting for since we found out we were pregnant. The day of the sonogram.
Though I kept telling myself that this appointment was about making sure the baby was healthy, I couldn't help being consumed with finding out the gender. I was so excited to see this little one inside me. To find out who she or he was. To just marvel at this being that I knew nothing about and yet loved so completely.
My anxiety, however, was coming in waves. There was the good excited anxious. Then there was the negative anxious... First, because we had been warned that as wiggly as our little one had been during my monthly appointments, we might not be able to find out the gender and second, if I'm completely transparent, I was also petrified that I would be disappointed if I wasn't having a girl. (Click HERE to learn a little more about why...) I was not in control. I did not know what to expect. And that was very frightening for me.
Ironically, I had multiple reasons for wanting a boy, but with this pregnancy, Devin and I were convinced we were having a girl (though both of us went through periods of thinking it might be a boy too). I felt very unprepared to hear anything different. No one wants to go to their sonogram appointment and walk out disappointed. After all, who do you share that with? No one!!!!! You have to hide it and pretend like you are so excited even if you're not. Let's face it, an actress, I am not... thus my anxiety.
As soon as I took a shower, I came downstairs and settled in for my quiet time. Begging for peace, I read through my Bible study, but still felt burdened. I went online to read the Proverbs 31 blog for that day. Remember at this time, I was not a blogger and only read 3 blogs sporadically. I had been to the Proverbs 31 blog a few times because Judith had referred to it and her blog was one of the 3 that I read. When I pulled up the blog, this is what appeared:
“And the very hairs on your head are all numbered.” Matthew 10:30 (NLT)
The devotion went on to talk about how even the most trivial things (and I was feeling quite guilty because I knew how trivial I was being) in our life matter to God and it ended with this power verse:
“You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body; You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit, how I was sculpted from nothing into something.” Psalm 130:14-15 (Message)
I knew then that God already had our little one's hairs counted. He had created her in His image and He knew her inside and out. Even though I already knew these truths, I read them again with fresh eyes. All of sudden, it dawned on me that God had created this little life with a specific purpose.... that He knew all the days of her life.... that whether she was a girl or a boy... whether she was healthy or not... that she was perfect.
(My friend, Amy, just wrote an amazing post on how God does not make mistakes and that we should not live in fear... click HERE to read it.)
I finally had peace and could go to our appointment with complete excitement.
When the sonographer began, she told us that she would start at the little one's head and work down. She said she would be taking multiple measurements in order to make sure everything was developing on schedule. I couldn't believe how amazing it was to see our precious baby on the screen. It was so surreal to be able to see what I had been feeling for so long.
As predicted, our baby did not cooperate. The sonographer laughed and kept saying "Hmmm... we'll move on and come back to get that measurement...." Everytime she tried to zero in on an area, Finley would kick and rotate, making it impossible for the sonographer to do her job. I began to worry a bit because I knew that these measurements were important.
She moved from the head to the neck to the hands to the torso having problems every step of the way. We were making conversation with her and were completely giddy about what we were seeing when she asked us if we wanted to know the gender. We said "yes!" and she immediately said "You're definitely having a girl." Devin and I looked at each other and he squeezed my hand. We were so happy and in shock because the answer had come so quickly when as of yet, nothing had been working quite right. Devin even said "Wow! You had no problem determining that... are you sure?" And she laughed and said "Yes!!!! There is no doubt that this little one is a girl."
Thankfully, Finley did calm down and become used to what was going on so that the sonographer could finish the sonogram and obtain all the measurements she needed. She assured us that everything looked perfect. We went back out to the waiting room until we could meet with my doctor. We had our pictures and just stared and stared at them. I was so grateful when my OB met with us and examined the pictures and reiterated that it all looked normal and healthy.
Obviously I will never know for sure if I would've been disappointed if we had heard we were having a boy. Somehow when I was looking at our little one on the screen, she was so real and so perfect. I fell so in love with that little body on the screen that I don't know how I possibly could've felt anything, but complete happiness.
