James 5:16

I probably shouldn't write this post today when the emotions are still so fresh, but in spite of still being shaky, I feel like I need to process it by writing it all down.

I was in a rush to get out the door this morning because enrollment was due at Jude and Finley's Children's Day Out program and I didn't want to wait in line all morning trying to drop it off.  I loaded the kids and as per our ritual, Finley sang "Good Morning, God!" and then I prayed over our day as we drove to the church.

Since Sandy Hook, I have been particularly mindful of the need to pray for their protection so I did.  I prayed for protection over the whole church and everyone inside.  Little did I know that God had already been answering my prayer.

I dropped Finley and Jude off, took care of their enrollment for next year, and went to work out.  As soon as I got home, I put Evi down for a nap and just as I was about to answer some emails, Kristin texted me.  She said "Did you get your kids?  Things like this makes me want to homeschool."  I immediately text her back to ask her what she was talking about and then she called me.

"You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"There was a gunman at First Pres this morning.  All the schools are on lockdown.  Everyone is safe.  I think they've captured him.  No one was hurt.  I got the alert from my girls' schools.  They didn't contact you?  Are Finley and Jude there?"

I just start bawling.  Kristin has to keep repeating "Everyone is okay.  They are OKAY."

She directs me to one of the news sites and I can't even comprehend that I'm reading about a gunman at my children's school.  Our church.  The place I go 5 days out of 7.

I call Devin in hysterics.  Telling him that they are okay, but that I'm going to go get them.  And he says he's on his way.

I try calling Melissa to see if she has heard anything.  No answer.  I call Danielle and poor Danielle.  I totally freak her out too, but in the midst of it, she stops and prays while we are on the phone together.  I am obviously not good in a crisis because I am just crying while Danielle is totally taking over and making a plan for us to meet up in the back church parking lot assuming that they have the school roped off or still on lockdown.

Devin calls me back and says he has talked to the church and that the gunman had left before the kids were ever in the building.  He assures me that they have caught the gunman and that the kids are fine and completely unaware of what is going on.

I call Danielle back.  Then talk to about 500 other people still trying to process what has happened.

We're all frustrated that we were dropping our kids off while the school was on lockdown and before the gunman had been arrested.  He could have come back to the church.  He could have come back when my kids were there.  It is beyond scary to think about.

Tonight my kids are safe.  They are happy.  They are oblivious.

I am still a bit of a wreck.  I can't seem to talk about it without crying.  I keep whispering to myself...

"The prayer of righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

Thankful that God hears my prayer and that He makes me righeteous when on my own I'm anything but.

Tonight I'm choosing to live by faith and not by fear.  It's so hard given the world we live in, but I am convinced that God is in control even when it feels like Satan himself is.

The Feet Washers

Yesterday, our church showed a video from the Refuge.  It's an incredible ministry that one of Devin's coworkers is a part of as well as Evi's namesake.  The main founder spoke in the video and said something that I can't stop thinking about.  He said "We don't want to be the provider.  We want to be the feet washers." Or something to that degree anyway.  The whole video was how they were trying to look at evangelizing in a radical way.  To truly be the hands and feet of Christ... to get dirty.  To do the inconvenient.  To love the unloveable by doing life with them.  They have uprooted their families and given up comfortable living to live amongst poverty so that they can love their neighbor who is hurting and broken and desperate.

All my life I have stayed away from the ugly.  I may have dabbled in a mission trip here or there, but I think I have always been more on the "provider" side of serving.  Write a check.  Buy the supplies.  Pray for those who are doing the work.  And while I think those things are essential and are important, I can't help, but think about how Jesus came to wash the feet.  He came to feed the lambs.  He came to give life to those who needed more than just some money and a blanket.  He had real relationships with the least of these.

Devin and I were talking about what being the feet washers means for us at this stage in our lives.  We're not sure.  We just know that we need to be more than just the provider.  Sadly, I see this even in my role as a mom.  I provide the entertainment for my kids, but far too often let them entertain themselves.  I provide them with attention, but far too often raise my voice when they want more of me than I'm wanting to give at that moment.  I provide them food, but far too often get frustrated when they don't eat it or ask for more as soon as I sit down.  I provide them with cuddles and tickles, but far too often let my phone tear me away from time with them.  I want to be like Christ.  I want to make it about everyone else.  I want to be more than just a provider...  I don't know exactly what to do with that, but I can't stop thinking about it.

Just one...

 

Last night, I went to the baptism of Kristin's daughter, Madeline.  It was so sweet as I watched her pray and be dunked in the water and then emerge to applause.  I admit I became a little emotional on the drive home as I realized that Madeline is only a couple of years older than Finley.  I've always prayed that my children would put their faith in Christ at an early age and just seeing Madeline made me realize my own need to be more intentional with sharing the Gospel message with my kids.  Even though I try to incorporate it into holidays and every day conversations, I'm not sure how proactive I really am....

I do so many things wrong each day.  I am impatient, easily frustrated, constantly asking for forgiveness and grace.... I hide behind my phone and pretend to be looking for Finley during hide-and-seek... I constantly "hurry" us all from one task to the next and too often lose it when their little legs don't go as fast as I'd like... I tire quickly of the "why?" question game and all too frequently beg for just a moment of quiet.

But if I can do just one thing right it would be to teach my kids about Jesus... to encourage them to have a personal relationship with their Savior.  I've got to do better on this front.... and well, all the above fronts as well! =)

Today, Finley was playing with her Little People animals and told me that one of her giraffes had died and gone to "giraffe heaven".  And I asked her if she wanted to go to heaven one day and she said "Yes!"  And so I asked her if she wanted to know how to get to heaven and thankfully, she was excited to learn.  So in a very simple way I just told her about the grace that is only given at the foot of the cross and the Savior that redeemed us through His blood asking us only to believe in Him and the One who sent Him.  Though I'm not sure she totally understood even my simple explanation.... she was much more interested in knowing if we could fly an airplane to heaven... it's a start and hopefully, one that will lead to many, many, many more discussions in the future.