June & July "Photoshoots": Finley, Jude, and Evi

As usual I'm super behind on posting and haven't done a great job of taking pictures of the kids.  My computer is totally overloaded and I continue to be two steps behind in uploading and backing up pictures so that I can delete off my laptop and free up room for more pictures to be added.

Here are a few pictures of the kids over the last couple of months!  I started writing "photoshoots" in quotes because honestly I think my photography skills are getting worse instead of better.  How is that even possible?????   I'm completely frustrated with this whole thing, but haven't had the time to figure out how to improve.  Boo.  I think I need to learn how to use photoshop...

A few facts about Finley:

• She is my Mini Me.  My Goose Honk.  My Pumpkin Pie.  She helps me more than she could ever know and is getting way too big way too quick!
• She is seriously good at legos and can put together sets that are meant for twice her age by herself.
• She is reading super well and has gotten a ton better at sounding words out until they make sense.
• She recently stopped having to wear pull-ups at night!  Hooray!  Finally, one of my three is out of "diapers."
• She loves to play with Jude and Evi in her room without any parents.  She turns the music up loud (it's like she is a teenager) and has a dance party with them.
• She has recently started being really selfless which is super endearing.  For instance if Jude cries because he wants to be in Finley's seat and I tell Jude that he can't sit there, Finley will say "It's okay, Mommy.  Jude can sit here.  I don't mind sitting somewhere else."
• She is very caring and intuitive and a bit manipulative to boot.  She is a girly girl one minute and a complete tomboy the next.  She is a complete conundrum and more beautiful than any girl has the right to be. 

This may be my favorite picture of him EVER!  I am so in love with it!!!!

A few facts about Jude:

• He is my Middle Little.  My Buddy Boo.  He is my Heart!  I adore this boy so much that it flat out hurts!
• He is totally making me feel bad about this post because he has been soooooo much fun lately!  I'm not sure if his previous mood was due to being TWO, the move, school ending, my lack of focus on him during the chaos that was April and May, or some combo of all of the above, but the past couple of months have been an absolute delight!
• He is all boy in so many ways and yet is very timid when it comes to new situations... He refuses to go down slides or venture into the Chik-fil-a play area without me by his side.  For some reason I always think of boys being dare devils and while in some areas he is, he definitely isn't in others.  It's fun to learn his personality in regards to this!
• He LOVES cars and trains and has them with him at all times.
• Whenever he is poopy, I will ask him "Jude, are you poopy?" and he always says "No, poopy!  Aavee (Evi) POOPY!"  It cracks me up.  He always blames her even though it usually him.
• He loves to color and to read.  Much more than I remember Finley loving it at this age.  In fact, I'm not sure I had even tried coloring with Finley at 2!  HA!
• He refuses to go down the stairs by himself even though he is perfectly capable.  He insists on being carried.  He usually makes me carry him and Evi down at the same time and says "Carry TWO babies!!!"  The way he says it is sooooooo stinkin' cute!
• He is really talking up a storm and repeating most everything we say.  I can't believe how much more he can say than just a couple of months ago.  I love that he can communicate better, but he thinks if we can understand him that our answer should be yes!  It's so funny!  It's like he thought we would tell him "no more cake" or "no tv" because we didn't understand him before.  It's so crazy cute!

A few facts about Evi:

• She is my Itty Bitty.  My Sweetie Pie.  My Baby.  My sweet little angel who still lets me cuddle her and almost always wants to be glued to my side!  She is a complete joy!
• She started walking around 14 months, but didn't really walk full time until 14 and half.  That is still our earliest walker to date and it's amazing how much she seems to have developed into a big girl now that she can walk.
• She is 15 months, but still in some 3-6 month clothes.  She's pretty much in the dreaded 6-9 month stage that I hate so much!  It's so hard to find 6-9 month clothes and 6-12 clothes (especially pants) are still quite a bit too big.  Thankfully, I seem to be able to dress her in 6-12 month tops and 3-6 month pants.  Unfortunately, most shirts in this size range are still onesies and most onesies are just not long enough for her torso.  Such dilemmas in dressing my little doll! HA!
• Even though she is tiny, she eats non-stop!  I seriously tire every day of feeding her.  It is pretty much constant.
• She loves her blankie!  As well as her brother and sister's blankies... she is often found stealing them!
• She can't stand to get in trouble.  If you even say the word "no" to her, she usually breaks into hysterical crying.  Let's hope this continues!  HA!
• She has no idea she is a little girl.  She attempts to do whatever her siblings are doing despite my demand that she be a baby! ;)

22 Years

This has been one of the hardest years without my mom since she died 22 years ago.... not as difficult as the year I got married or the year I gave birth to Finley, but it is definitely up there.  Some of the reasons it has been so hard are obvious-- a newborn, a new house, lots of major parenting decisions, etc.  But one of the reasons it's been hard happened behind the scenes of this blog and something that only a few know about.  Regardless, I miss her... maybe more now than I ever thought possible.  This year has been a year of very high highs and pretty low lows and I think it's in the extremes that I find myself needing her the most.

I'm learning that I'm a difficult person to be friends with.  Sometimes I feel so bad for Devin and Beth.  It's like it's not enough for them to be my husband and best friend... sometimes I need them to be my surrogate mother as well.  I hate that I put so many expectations on them, but am thankful that somehow they love me for who I am and push through the walls that I sometimes... okay, always put up.  I definitely feel like I tend to be a "don't ask for help I can do it by myself" kind of person because for so long I had to be and I'm grateful that there are at least a few people in my life who are willing to love me through all of that stuff!

So in the midst of thinking about the past year and just continuing to accept that grief is an ongoing process (seriously when will I ever NOT be surprised by how much I miss my mom!!!!), the other day I was sitting with the kids at lunch and we were reading through our ABC Bible Verse book.  We came to the verse that says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (And just so that I don't seem like a better mom than I am, this is the first time we've pulled out our verse book in over 6 months!)

I read it and then asked Finley what she thought it meant.  As we were discussing it, I asked her what was the worst thing that she could think of... What was her biggest fear?  To my surprise, she said "Dying" which I thought was a little too mature of an answer.  Couldn't she have just said spiders?

So I asked her what happens when we die and she said "we go to heaven!" and I said "Exactly!  If we believe in God's grace and that He sent Jesus to pay for our sins, then we get to go to heaven and live with Him!!!!!!  Does that sound like something we should be afraid of?"  And of course, Finley shook her head no!

But then she said "So we'll go to heaven like Grandma Pam?"  I nod.  "How old was Grandma Pam when she died?"  I tell her.  "How old are you again, Mommy?"  I tell her.  And like a train wreck, I can see the wheels in her head turning and making the connections that I'm only a few years away from being the same age as my mom was when she died...  And I hear her say "Mommy, I don't want you to die.  Are you going to die like Grandma Pam did and leave me?"

When they discharged me from the hospital with her, the handbook did not cover anything more than diapering and nursing.  These conversations make me long for the days of latch techniques and swaddle blankets because oh my word, how do you quiet the fears uttered by your four year old when they are the fears that rage inside you as well?

Sigh.  I promised her that I had no plans to die anytime soon and that God would always be with us and then brushed away a few tears so that she couldn't see them.

This parenting stuff is hard.  As much as I hate being a mom without a mom, I know that I'm forced to lean on Him even more and that once again I'm not alone in all of this.

I love this song by Jeremy Camp "There Will Be A Day" and think of it often when I'm longing to understand what only He does.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I can't wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

Life with Three: 12 Months

Wow!  It's still crazy for me to believe that Evi is one and that I've been doing this mom thing for almost five years now.  Everyone asks me if the adjustment from 2 to 3 kids was a difficult one and I always tell them honestly that I don't think I ever had the chance to adjust from 1 to 2 kids before #3 came along so this past year (and really the past 2-3 years) have been kind of crazy ones.

Looking back on the last year, I realize just how hard it has been.  Going through it, I think I have always just done what had to be done and didn't think too much about whether it was difficult or not because there is always joy in parenting even when it is hard, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it has been extremely hard at times...

BUT it's been hard in a really beautiful way.  In a way that has forced me to be more selfless.  More focused on others instead of myself.  More aware of what's really important.  More accepting of the "mess" and the imperfect.  If I truly want to be the hands and feet of God then I am faced with the opportunity to be that day in and day out and while I fail at every turn, I am ever so grateful to be learning with 3 little ones that I love more than life itself.

Of course, it's been hard in other ways as well.  Ways that aren't nearly as beautiful.  It's been about making choices that have been different and unpopular from my friends and learning that some friends embrace my different choices and some distance themselves.  It's been about realizing parenting mistakes made long ago and how some of them can be corrected while others are forever what they are.   It's realizing just how important this parenting stuff is and how intentional I have to be if I want to get it right...  And that is SO hard.  When every decision feels so crucial, it's so easy to feel discouraged, alone, and defeated.  But that's when it gets beautiful again because I know that in my own failures and weaknesses, I've been given the opporutnity to shine God's strength....  such a crazy and humbling idea in and of itself.

I know I'm rambling, but this year has just been a really big learning experience for me and while I'm still beating myself up over how few times I've taken my kids to the zoo, the park, the museum, etc., I'm also rejoicing over the fact that I actually survived this year of having 3 kids 4 and under! =)

Anyway, here's a little update of how we are all doing:

Evi:
E is seriously the sweetest thing ever.  I feel like her personality is still emerging, but she is definitely not going to take the role as "baby" lying down.  She is determined to do most anything her older siblings are doing and though I think she has a pretty sweet disposition now, I have no doubt she's going to hold her own.  I can't help, but be a bit sad that she hasn't stayed a "baby" longer.  At almost 14 months, she's taking 5-6 steps at a time, down to one nap a day, and eating everything in sight.  She constantly takes toys away from Jude and is into everything imaginable.  She is a busy bee, but also a cuddler which does my heart proud.  She has been a great sport about being dragged along on errands and car rides and whatever routine that's been dictated by school and dance schedules so I honestly couldn't be more thankful for how easy she has been this last year.  She is a huge joy and a perfect addition to our family.  To say she loves us all fiercely is an understatement.  She calls out  "DADDY" as soon as Devin comes home, immediately looks for Jude and Finley when she wakes up and perks completely up upon finding them, and well, she's equally attached to me and loves for me to hold her as much as possible.

Jude:
J is at a very difficult stage right now.  I want to admit this because I think too often as parents it is easy to act as if there is no bad or the opposite make it out to be all bad.  I often say he is angry at the world and is constantly throwing fits, throwing things, and basically in a bad mood 24 hours a day.  My friends have assured me that this is indeed a "boy" thing... we'll see.  I definitely think part of it is being 2 and part of it is not being able to do everything that Finley can do and part of it probably is a boy thing, but I'm still learning how to parent through this stage in a way that is effective.  I don't just want to assume that this is a stage if there is a solution to helping him better manage his behavior.  He's communicating more and more so that seems to be helping a ton.  I've also found that being super consistent with timeouts (which is exhausting for all of us) helps as well as just trying to carve out 5 mintues here and there for JUST him.  It's amazing how he won't hardly stay still long enough for me to hug him, but when I rock him at night, he melts into me and has no problem resting his head on my shoulder.  I definitely think being constantly pulled by Finley and Evi takes its toll on poor Jude because he plays amazingly well by himself and is just about the sweetest thing ever created when he wants to be.  I love him more than anything and when I see him tagging along after Finley and giving Evi hugs, it's just about more than my little heart can take.  There's something very special about sibling relationships and I'm excited to see him play the roles of "little" brother as well as "big" brother.  I absolutely adore this little boy of mine and am so thankful that God gave him to us!

Finley:
F is beyond fun at four.  She's independent and yet still likes to please us.  She can be sassy and particular, but we can reason with her now and she can understand emotions, behaviors, etc. much easier than before.  I think she has a lot of my personality-- she's so stubborn at times and yet can be sweet as can be.  She likes to help others and be kind, but can be as rude as all get out as well.  She can be super independent and not like to ask for help, but also want others to befriend her first.  Of course she is also so much like Devin... she is super curious and insanely smart.  She has an uncanny memory and is very into how things work.  She's both complicated and beautiful... it is really fun to see how she is growing up.  She is an amazing sister and is a huge help to us.  Sure she gets mad at both J and E from time to time and constantly wants her way, but more and more we are seeing the selfless side come through and when it matters, she is always very sensitive to their needs.  I love how as she is getting older, we can talk about more grownup things and yet at the same time she still wants us to cuddle her and protect her.  I couldn't be more in love with the stage she's in and I'm trying to take it all in and create a lasting relationship with her.

Me:
Well, first, I made it through a year of nursing Evi and it's probably one of my proudest accomplishments because it was so difficult and was such a huge goal of mine coming into having her.  I weaned her at exactly one year and while I miss it in a way, I was also ready for it to happen.  Second, I love being a mom and am so thankful that we have 3 kids.  It is soooo hard and I am so not worthy, but it is what I feel called to do and in the end, that's what matters.  Third, I am exhausted more often than not and would be lying if I didn't say I wanted to call in sick every few weeks.  Ha!  It's probably entirely inappropriate to quote SATC on a parenting post, but I love when Samantha questions Charlotte about being happy and she says she's happy every day.  Not all day every day, but every day, she's happy.  That's how I feel about parenting.  It's not fun every day, but every day there is something fun to remember.  Fourth, I'm so not the mom I wish that I was or the mom that I thought I would be.  My kids watch way too much tv, I escape to my phone far too often, I don't do nearly enough crafts and the number of times we've taken a fun outing in the last year is downright embarrassing, but I also know that I've spent the last year with basically 2 babies and in the next year when I can trust Jude a bit more and Evi isn't putting EVERY.SINGLE.THING. in her mouth that we can go more places and do more things.  What makes doing fun things difficult at this stage won't be difficult at all a year from now and while there will be new things that are just as difficult, I'm trying to prioritize what's important and be what my kids really need right now and not just what I think the perfect mom would be and thankfully, at the end of the day, they just need me.

Devin:
I think Devin is doing really well.  He is much more level-headed about all parenting related things and I'm so thankful for that.  He calms me down when I am feeling insecure and is better at being able to see the bigger picture.  He wrestles with the kids every night and they all love for him to come home just so that they can dive on him.  Yes, even Evi likes to wrestle.  He is always great about taking all 3 kids which is nice since I know it can be overwhelming.  There isn't a night that we don't get in bed and laugh about something that one of the kids did or ponder with amazement how well they played together after dinner or what new trick one of them has learned.  He's a great dad and I think has made the adjustment to three kids rather easily.  I'm so thankful that neither of us has been too overcome by it.

So that's the one year update!  Can't wait to see how we are doing in another few months!!!  I know if I don't blog about it, I will totally forget what life was like so as hard as it is to find time for posts like these, I hope I can continue to make them a priority!

And just because it is a PURE miracle to have all 3 of my kids in one shot, I'm posting this picture of them again! :)

We MOVED!

So after looking for a new house for over a year, we are ecstatic to have finally found one!  We moved in two weeks ago and I am embarrassed to admit that I am more exhausted than I think I've ever been.  My friend Heather tried to warn me, but I really had no idea how much this move would take out of me.  There's just something about having your whole life in boxes for almost two months that totally mentally and emotionally drains you!

I hope to post pics of the new house soon, but first I wanted to post pictures of our old house.  We really loved our house and even though we were ready to move, I would be lying if I said that I wasn't incredibly sad to say good-bye.  This house was the first house I was ever part of buying.  It was the house I dreamed about when Devin and I got engaged.  It was the place we moved shortly before our one year wedding aniversary and the place we brought all three kids home from the hospital.  I close my eyes and see Devin and I cuddled on the couch watching Gray's Anatomy, the dishwasher where Evi pulled up for the first time, the hallway where Jude rolled over before I was ready for him to, and the living room rug where Finley sat up unassisted after weeks of trying and falling forward.

As excited as I am for a little more space, I will miss all the memories we created there and am thankful for these pictures that we took there this past fall:

Here are also the pictures that our realtor took for the listing:

 

 

 We're excited to create just as many wonderful memories in our new house as we did in this one!!!!

Donuts with Dad

Finley and Jude had Donuts with Dad the week before Spring Break!  They were so excited to have Daddy taking them to school!  I snapped a quick picture of them before they left.  I just love these 3 so much!  It'll be so much fun for Evi to get to go with Daddy next year!

Here's what Finley made for Daddy in class:

 outside

 inside

upclose... pretty good answers!

And Jude made Daddy this tie:

So cute!

5 years

Five years ago today, I saw the craziest sight of my life!  A positive pregnancy test!  I literally couldn't believe it!  It is insane to me that it has been five years already!  I have been a mom for FIVE YEARS! Seriously!  How is that even possible??????

Our lives are full of moments that change us forever and set us on a new path.  This was definitely one of them!  Couldn't be more in love with the path that God chose for me and for this girl who has been the biggest joy these last five years!

 

James 5:16

I probably shouldn't write this post today when the emotions are still so fresh, but in spite of still being shaky, I feel like I need to process it by writing it all down.

I was in a rush to get out the door this morning because enrollment was due at Jude and Finley's Children's Day Out program and I didn't want to wait in line all morning trying to drop it off.  I loaded the kids and as per our ritual, Finley sang "Good Morning, God!" and then I prayed over our day as we drove to the church.

Since Sandy Hook, I have been particularly mindful of the need to pray for their protection so I did.  I prayed for protection over the whole church and everyone inside.  Little did I know that God had already been answering my prayer.

I dropped Finley and Jude off, took care of their enrollment for next year, and went to work out.  As soon as I got home, I put Evi down for a nap and just as I was about to answer some emails, Kristin texted me.  She said "Did you get your kids?  Things like this makes me want to homeschool."  I immediately text her back to ask her what she was talking about and then she called me.

"You don't know?"

"Know what?"

"There was a gunman at First Pres this morning.  All the schools are on lockdown.  Everyone is safe.  I think they've captured him.  No one was hurt.  I got the alert from my girls' schools.  They didn't contact you?  Are Finley and Jude there?"

I just start bawling.  Kristin has to keep repeating "Everyone is okay.  They are OKAY."

She directs me to one of the news sites and I can't even comprehend that I'm reading about a gunman at my children's school.  Our church.  The place I go 5 days out of 7.

I call Devin in hysterics.  Telling him that they are okay, but that I'm going to go get them.  And he says he's on his way.

I try calling Melissa to see if she has heard anything.  No answer.  I call Danielle and poor Danielle.  I totally freak her out too, but in the midst of it, she stops and prays while we are on the phone together.  I am obviously not good in a crisis because I am just crying while Danielle is totally taking over and making a plan for us to meet up in the back church parking lot assuming that they have the school roped off or still on lockdown.

Devin calls me back and says he has talked to the church and that the gunman had left before the kids were ever in the building.  He assures me that they have caught the gunman and that the kids are fine and completely unaware of what is going on.

I call Danielle back.  Then talk to about 500 other people still trying to process what has happened.

We're all frustrated that we were dropping our kids off while the school was on lockdown and before the gunman had been arrested.  He could have come back to the church.  He could have come back when my kids were there.  It is beyond scary to think about.

Tonight my kids are safe.  They are happy.  They are oblivious.

I am still a bit of a wreck.  I can't seem to talk about it without crying.  I keep whispering to myself...

"The prayer of righteous man availeth much." James 5:16

Thankful that God hears my prayer and that He makes me righeteous when on my own I'm anything but.

Tonight I'm choosing to live by faith and not by fear.  It's so hard given the world we live in, but I am convinced that God is in control even when it feels like Satan himself is.

Happy Valentine's Day!

This week in BSF we were studying how Isaac prayed specifically for Rebekah and how faithful his servant was in finding the one for him.  I was able to talk to Finley a lot about how important it is to trust God for her future spouse!  So thankful for such an appropriate lesson on the week of celebrating love!

Here are a few (okay maybe more than a few) pics... unfortunately, my white balance was set incorrectly and I don't have time to fix the coloring, but I still love these pics!

  

This is one of my all time favorite pics of Finley and Jude together!  Love it!