Thursday, July 1, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
We are Family...
We've been working on saying the names of our family members and here's a little video of it:
For the longest time, I would say "Say Mama" and she would say "Dada" instead! She can now say Beth and West when we don't put the Aunt and Uncle in front of them. It just cracks me up though when she so seriously says "No" to those two names, but comes up with something for the other names... even Grandpa Bill became "Papa!" She is such a cutie!
For the longest time, I would say "Say Mama" and she would say "Dada" instead! She can now say Beth and West when we don't put the Aunt and Uncle in front of them. It just cracks me up though when she so seriously says "No" to those two names, but comes up with something for the other names... even Grandpa Bill became "Papa!" She is such a cutie!
Monday, June 28, 2010
19 years
It's been 19 years since my mom died.
Sometimes it feels like 19 days. Sometimes it feels like 19 months. But mostly it feels like every second of the last 19 years that it has been.
During my Wednesday morning Bible Study, I listened to Beth Moore talking about wrestling with God and this is how I often feel when it comes to my mom's death.... like I'm wrestling with God.
What was so interesting is that the Hebrew word for embrace is only one letter different than the Hebrew word for wrestle and this is where I am...
Caught in a wrestling, embracing match with God... for the past 19 years.
I've spent a lot of time questioning. And a lot of time submitting. I'm so stubborn when it comes to life. I just want it to be simple. I just want everything to be the way I want it to be which is why I've managed to stay in this wrestling match with God for so long.
I'm scared to admit that it's okay. I'm scared that by confessing that I'm okay with my mom not being here that it'll somehow make it seem like I miss her less or didn't love her enough. I'm scared to believe that He can turn my sorrows into rejoicing.
But that's a lie. And most days I know it.
The truth is that things do happen for a reason. Some reasons are more understandable, more logical, more relatable than others. And some reasons just plain suck.
The other truth is that having my mom here wouldn't make everything better. Everything perfect. That's the lie I most often tell myself. Somehow I like to believe this lie more than all the others. Having my mom here might make some things easier. Some things better. But it might also make some things harder. Some things more difficult.
I've spent these 19 years realizing that the void I feel from my mom's death is one that can be filled.... just not with her.
It's filled with Him.
Thankfully, I serve a God big enough to fill the enormous hole left in her absence. Thankfully, I know the God who is an Everlasting Father. My Prince of Peace. My Comforter. My Redeemer.
Thankfully, I believe in the God who can handle my wrestling of the same issue for countless years. Who can love me. Who can embrace me. Who calls me by name. Who knows the number of tears I've cried. Who knows my grief. Who conquered death to give me life.
And that's enough. Because He is enough.
Sometimes it feels like 19 days. Sometimes it feels like 19 months. But mostly it feels like every second of the last 19 years that it has been.
During my Wednesday morning Bible Study, I listened to Beth Moore talking about wrestling with God and this is how I often feel when it comes to my mom's death.... like I'm wrestling with God.
What was so interesting is that the Hebrew word for embrace is only one letter different than the Hebrew word for wrestle and this is where I am...
Caught in a wrestling, embracing match with God... for the past 19 years.
I've spent a lot of time questioning. And a lot of time submitting. I'm so stubborn when it comes to life. I just want it to be simple. I just want everything to be the way I want it to be which is why I've managed to stay in this wrestling match with God for so long.
I'm scared to admit that it's okay. I'm scared that by confessing that I'm okay with my mom not being here that it'll somehow make it seem like I miss her less or didn't love her enough. I'm scared to believe that He can turn my sorrows into rejoicing.
But that's a lie. And most days I know it.
The truth is that things do happen for a reason. Some reasons are more understandable, more logical, more relatable than others. And some reasons just plain suck.
The other truth is that having my mom here wouldn't make everything better. Everything perfect. That's the lie I most often tell myself. Somehow I like to believe this lie more than all the others. Having my mom here might make some things easier. Some things better. But it might also make some things harder. Some things more difficult.
I've spent these 19 years realizing that the void I feel from my mom's death is one that can be filled.... just not with her.
It's filled with Him.
Thankfully, I serve a God big enough to fill the enormous hole left in her absence. Thankfully, I know the God who is an Everlasting Father. My Prince of Peace. My Comforter. My Redeemer.
Thankfully, I believe in the God who can handle my wrestling of the same issue for countless years. Who can love me. Who can embrace me. Who calls me by name. Who knows the number of tears I've cried. Who knows my grief. Who conquered death to give me life.
And that's enough. Because He is enough.
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