22 Years

This has been one of the hardest years without my mom since she died 22 years ago.... not as difficult as the year I got married or the year I gave birth to Finley, but it is definitely up there.  Some of the reasons it has been so hard are obvious-- a newborn, a new house, lots of major parenting decisions, etc.  But one of the reasons it's been hard happened behind the scenes of this blog and something that only a few know about.  Regardless, I miss her... maybe more now than I ever thought possible.  This year has been a year of very high highs and pretty low lows and I think it's in the extremes that I find myself needing her the most.

I'm learning that I'm a difficult person to be friends with.  Sometimes I feel so bad for Devin and Beth.  It's like it's not enough for them to be my husband and best friend... sometimes I need them to be my surrogate mother as well.  I hate that I put so many expectations on them, but am thankful that somehow they love me for who I am and push through the walls that I sometimes... okay, always put up.  I definitely feel like I tend to be a "don't ask for help I can do it by myself" kind of person because for so long I had to be and I'm grateful that there are at least a few people in my life who are willing to love me through all of that stuff!

So in the midst of thinking about the past year and just continuing to accept that grief is an ongoing process (seriously when will I ever NOT be surprised by how much I miss my mom!!!!), the other day I was sitting with the kids at lunch and we were reading through our ABC Bible Verse book.  We came to the verse that says "For God has not given us a spirit of fear and timidity, but of power, love, and self-discipline." 2 Timothy 1:7 (And just so that I don't seem like a better mom than I am, this is the first time we've pulled out our verse book in over 6 months!)

I read it and then asked Finley what she thought it meant.  As we were discussing it, I asked her what was the worst thing that she could think of... What was her biggest fear?  To my surprise, she said "Dying" which I thought was a little too mature of an answer.  Couldn't she have just said spiders?

So I asked her what happens when we die and she said "we go to heaven!" and I said "Exactly!  If we believe in God's grace and that He sent Jesus to pay for our sins, then we get to go to heaven and live with Him!!!!!!  Does that sound like something we should be afraid of?"  And of course, Finley shook her head no!

But then she said "So we'll go to heaven like Grandma Pam?"  I nod.  "How old was Grandma Pam when she died?"  I tell her.  "How old are you again, Mommy?"  I tell her.  And like a train wreck, I can see the wheels in her head turning and making the connections that I'm only a few years away from being the same age as my mom was when she died...  And I hear her say "Mommy, I don't want you to die.  Are you going to die like Grandma Pam did and leave me?"

When they discharged me from the hospital with her, the handbook did not cover anything more than diapering and nursing.  These conversations make me long for the days of latch techniques and swaddle blankets because oh my word, how do you quiet the fears uttered by your four year old when they are the fears that rage inside you as well?

Sigh.  I promised her that I had no plans to die anytime soon and that God would always be with us and then brushed away a few tears so that she couldn't see them.

This parenting stuff is hard.  As much as I hate being a mom without a mom, I know that I'm forced to lean on Him even more and that once again I'm not alone in all of this.

I love this song by Jeremy Camp "There Will Be A Day" and think of it often when I'm longing to understand what only He does.

I try to hold on to this world with everything I have
But I feel the weight of what it brings, and the hurt that tries to grab
The many trials that seem to never end, His word declares this truth
That we will enter in this rest with wonders anew

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I know the journey seems so long
You feel you're walking on your own
But there has never been a step
Where you've walked out all alone

Troubled soul don't lose your heart
Cause joy and peace he brings
And the beauty that's in store
Outweighs the hurt of life's sting

But I hold on to this hope and the promise that He brings
That there will be a place with no more suffering

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face
But until that day, we'll hold on to you always

I can't wait until that day where the very one
I've lived for always will wipe away the sorrow that I've faced
To touch the scars that rescued me from a life of shame and misery
O, this is why, this is why I sing

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day with no more tears
No more pain, and no more fears
There will be a day when the burdens of this place
Will be no more, we'll see Jesus face to face

There will be a day he will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
He will wipe away the tears
There will be a day

Life with Three: 12 Months

Wow!  It's still crazy for me to believe that Evi is one and that I've been doing this mom thing for almost five years now.  Everyone asks me if the adjustment from 2 to 3 kids was a difficult one and I always tell them honestly that I don't think I ever had the chance to adjust from 1 to 2 kids before #3 came along so this past year (and really the past 2-3 years) have been kind of crazy ones.

Looking back on the last year, I realize just how hard it has been.  Going through it, I think I have always just done what had to be done and didn't think too much about whether it was difficult or not because there is always joy in parenting even when it is hard, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that it has been extremely hard at times...

BUT it's been hard in a really beautiful way.  In a way that has forced me to be more selfless.  More focused on others instead of myself.  More aware of what's really important.  More accepting of the "mess" and the imperfect.  If I truly want to be the hands and feet of God then I am faced with the opportunity to be that day in and day out and while I fail at every turn, I am ever so grateful to be learning with 3 little ones that I love more than life itself.

Of course, it's been hard in other ways as well.  Ways that aren't nearly as beautiful.  It's been about making choices that have been different and unpopular from my friends and learning that some friends embrace my different choices and some distance themselves.  It's been about realizing parenting mistakes made long ago and how some of them can be corrected while others are forever what they are.   It's realizing just how important this parenting stuff is and how intentional I have to be if I want to get it right...  And that is SO hard.  When every decision feels so crucial, it's so easy to feel discouraged, alone, and defeated.  But that's when it gets beautiful again because I know that in my own failures and weaknesses, I've been given the opporutnity to shine God's strength....  such a crazy and humbling idea in and of itself.

I know I'm rambling, but this year has just been a really big learning experience for me and while I'm still beating myself up over how few times I've taken my kids to the zoo, the park, the museum, etc., I'm also rejoicing over the fact that I actually survived this year of having 3 kids 4 and under! =)

Anyway, here's a little update of how we are all doing:

Evi:
E is seriously the sweetest thing ever.  I feel like her personality is still emerging, but she is definitely not going to take the role as "baby" lying down.  She is determined to do most anything her older siblings are doing and though I think she has a pretty sweet disposition now, I have no doubt she's going to hold her own.  I can't help, but be a bit sad that she hasn't stayed a "baby" longer.  At almost 14 months, she's taking 5-6 steps at a time, down to one nap a day, and eating everything in sight.  She constantly takes toys away from Jude and is into everything imaginable.  She is a busy bee, but also a cuddler which does my heart proud.  She has been a great sport about being dragged along on errands and car rides and whatever routine that's been dictated by school and dance schedules so I honestly couldn't be more thankful for how easy she has been this last year.  She is a huge joy and a perfect addition to our family.  To say she loves us all fiercely is an understatement.  She calls out  "DADDY" as soon as Devin comes home, immediately looks for Jude and Finley when she wakes up and perks completely up upon finding them, and well, she's equally attached to me and loves for me to hold her as much as possible.

Jude:
J is at a very difficult stage right now.  I want to admit this because I think too often as parents it is easy to act as if there is no bad or the opposite make it out to be all bad.  I often say he is angry at the world and is constantly throwing fits, throwing things, and basically in a bad mood 24 hours a day.  My friends have assured me that this is indeed a "boy" thing... we'll see.  I definitely think part of it is being 2 and part of it is not being able to do everything that Finley can do and part of it probably is a boy thing, but I'm still learning how to parent through this stage in a way that is effective.  I don't just want to assume that this is a stage if there is a solution to helping him better manage his behavior.  He's communicating more and more so that seems to be helping a ton.  I've also found that being super consistent with timeouts (which is exhausting for all of us) helps as well as just trying to carve out 5 mintues here and there for JUST him.  It's amazing how he won't hardly stay still long enough for me to hug him, but when I rock him at night, he melts into me and has no problem resting his head on my shoulder.  I definitely think being constantly pulled by Finley and Evi takes its toll on poor Jude because he plays amazingly well by himself and is just about the sweetest thing ever created when he wants to be.  I love him more than anything and when I see him tagging along after Finley and giving Evi hugs, it's just about more than my little heart can take.  There's something very special about sibling relationships and I'm excited to see him play the roles of "little" brother as well as "big" brother.  I absolutely adore this little boy of mine and am so thankful that God gave him to us!

Finley:
F is beyond fun at four.  She's independent and yet still likes to please us.  She can be sassy and particular, but we can reason with her now and she can understand emotions, behaviors, etc. much easier than before.  I think she has a lot of my personality-- she's so stubborn at times and yet can be sweet as can be.  She likes to help others and be kind, but can be as rude as all get out as well.  She can be super independent and not like to ask for help, but also want others to befriend her first.  Of course she is also so much like Devin... she is super curious and insanely smart.  She has an uncanny memory and is very into how things work.  She's both complicated and beautiful... it is really fun to see how she is growing up.  She is an amazing sister and is a huge help to us.  Sure she gets mad at both J and E from time to time and constantly wants her way, but more and more we are seeing the selfless side come through and when it matters, she is always very sensitive to their needs.  I love how as she is getting older, we can talk about more grownup things and yet at the same time she still wants us to cuddle her and protect her.  I couldn't be more in love with the stage she's in and I'm trying to take it all in and create a lasting relationship with her.

Me:
Well, first, I made it through a year of nursing Evi and it's probably one of my proudest accomplishments because it was so difficult and was such a huge goal of mine coming into having her.  I weaned her at exactly one year and while I miss it in a way, I was also ready for it to happen.  Second, I love being a mom and am so thankful that we have 3 kids.  It is soooo hard and I am so not worthy, but it is what I feel called to do and in the end, that's what matters.  Third, I am exhausted more often than not and would be lying if I didn't say I wanted to call in sick every few weeks.  Ha!  It's probably entirely inappropriate to quote SATC on a parenting post, but I love when Samantha questions Charlotte about being happy and she says she's happy every day.  Not all day every day, but every day, she's happy.  That's how I feel about parenting.  It's not fun every day, but every day there is something fun to remember.  Fourth, I'm so not the mom I wish that I was or the mom that I thought I would be.  My kids watch way too much tv, I escape to my phone far too often, I don't do nearly enough crafts and the number of times we've taken a fun outing in the last year is downright embarrassing, but I also know that I've spent the last year with basically 2 babies and in the next year when I can trust Jude a bit more and Evi isn't putting EVERY.SINGLE.THING. in her mouth that we can go more places and do more things.  What makes doing fun things difficult at this stage won't be difficult at all a year from now and while there will be new things that are just as difficult, I'm trying to prioritize what's important and be what my kids really need right now and not just what I think the perfect mom would be and thankfully, at the end of the day, they just need me.

Devin:
I think Devin is doing really well.  He is much more level-headed about all parenting related things and I'm so thankful for that.  He calms me down when I am feeling insecure and is better at being able to see the bigger picture.  He wrestles with the kids every night and they all love for him to come home just so that they can dive on him.  Yes, even Evi likes to wrestle.  He is always great about taking all 3 kids which is nice since I know it can be overwhelming.  There isn't a night that we don't get in bed and laugh about something that one of the kids did or ponder with amazement how well they played together after dinner or what new trick one of them has learned.  He's a great dad and I think has made the adjustment to three kids rather easily.  I'm so thankful that neither of us has been too overcome by it.

So that's the one year update!  Can't wait to see how we are doing in another few months!!!  I know if I don't blog about it, I will totally forget what life was like so as hard as it is to find time for posts like these, I hope I can continue to make them a priority!

And just because it is a PURE miracle to have all 3 of my kids in one shot, I'm posting this picture of them again! :)