60

I haven't been blogging very much lately and there are a ton of reasons for that.  The main one being that I have just been incredibly busy, but the deeper one, the one that is just under the surface is that I've been missing my mom in ways that I can't even describe.  Since I refused to make continual pity-party posts I just avoided blogging all together.

Today is her birthday.  She would've been 60 and it's so hard for me to know what it would be like to have her here.  To celebrate such a big birthday with her.

***********************************

On the way to our rehearsal dinner, I broke down and told Devin that I couldn't marry him.  That I couldn't do "this" (our wedding) without her.  When I became pregnant with Finley, I would cry out to God almost every day on my way home from work asking Him how I was supposed to do "this" (be a mom) without her.  And now I'm pregnant again and "this" leaves me just as emotional as the first go round if not more so.

I miss her all the time.  Every day.  But sometimes the big events leave me aching in ways I never knew were possible. In ways that I hide and cover up because the pain is too great to bear.  And that's where I've been.  Where I am.

Everywhere I go, I see mom and daughter together.  Eating, Shopping, Talking on the Phone, Attending Bible Study, Church, etc.  And maybe it is completely my imagination, but it seems like every female on earth right now is pregnant so everywhere I go, I see pregnant daughter with loving mother and right now, it's just too much.  Too difficult.

I know I'll be fine.  I know that I have so much more than I could ever ask for.  So much more than I could ever need.  But right now, it's hard.  Right now, I want my mom back.  For a day.  For a minute.  For a second.  It doesn't matter.  I just want her back.

I've cried so much over the last few months that I started to realize that LbC is probably feeling a little stressed with all of his mom's emotions.  I don't know exactly how babies in the womb are affected by our emotions, but I hate that he is and I am trying for his sake to be positive, to remember the good, to be thankful and grateful and loving and joyful and all of those things he should have from his mom.  How is it possible to feel like the worst mom in the world to a baby who isn't even born?

***********************************

A year ago today, I started "Aleida's Challenge" and have done pretty well at keeping up with a picture of me and Finley each month.  I'm so thankful I started it and am thankful that I can attribute it in part to my mom.  One of my goals is to share my mom with my kids though at times that seems impossible.

This year, I thought I'd make a list of 60 things I remember about my mom or make me think of her.  I stole this idea.  It's far from original, but appropriate it is... so here goes:

1. Homecoming Mums
2. Baskets hung on the wall
3. The buzz of a sewing machine
4. Glue guns
5. Cherry Cheesecake
6. Fried Okra
7. Indian Tacos
8. Chalk
9. Left handers
10. Sam's Club
11. Wal-Mart
12. Bandanas
13. Dachsunds
14. Orange Juice Cans
15. Penny Loafers
16. Tins of Popcorn at Christmastime
17. Chex Mix
18. Blueberry Crunch
19. Tator Tots with Tacos
20. Patio TV Dinners on a Friday Night
21. TV Trays
22. Top Gun
23. Pink and Blue Decorating Motif
24. Purple
25. Slush Puppies
26. Waterbeds
27. Gold Jewelry
28. Red Ink Pens
29. Gum Stickers
30. Bean Bag Lap Desks
31. Sunglasses on top of heads
32. Pina Coladas
33. Bennigan's
34. KFC Mashed Potatoes
35. Teacher Coffee Mugs
36. Raggedy Ann and Andy
37. Utica Square at Christmastime
38. Casa Bonita
39. Large Navy Buicks
40. Honda Accords
41. My Curly Hair
42. My Stubbornness
43. My Perfectionism
44. Garage Sales
45. Tinsel
46. Wooden necklaces
47. 4th Grade Classrooms
48. Gingham Curtains
49. Claw Foot Bathtubs
50. Space Heaters
51. Blue Eyeshadow
52. Covergirl Foundation
53. Hospital Beds
54. Hymns
55. The song "Wind Beneath My Wings"
56. The song "When You Say Nothing At All"
57. Name Brand Clothing stores
58. Porch Swings
59. Schwan's Apple Flautas
60. Impossible Word Searches

Thanksgiving 2010

Wednesday:

For me, Thanksgiving officially starts on the day before!  I love all the food preparations... it totally gets me into the Thanksgiving mood.  This year, Finley and I dropped our annual turkey off at the City Rescue Mission and then met up with Devin for lunch.  Believe it or not, this is the first time we have EVER met Devin for lunch during the work week.  We went to one of my favorite sandwich places and it was such a nice way to start our holiday!

Once Devin was off work, we started working on the food!  For the past few years, Devin has made Paula Deen's pecan pie recipe that is fabulous so he went to work on it while I tried to make my grandma's dressing recipe.  I made it for me and Devin last year and was SO disappointed.  It didn't taste anything like my grandma's so I adjusted a few things this year and it turned out much better!  It wasn't as good as my grandma's, but I hopefully with more practice I will get closer.  I love cooking with Devin.  We don't cook together a lot, but it is always fun when we do.

Thursday:
We loaded the car and headed to my dad's house for lunch.  This was the first year that we weren't having Thanksgiving with both families and even though we enjoy being able to do both, it was nice to not have to rush back and forth.  Finley managed to stay awake for the full 2 hour drive which was great because I wanted her to take a nap once we got there.  Fortunately, not only did she take a nap, but she took a nap while we ate lunch which was such a blessing!  Devin and I were able to fully enjoy our meal and even though I'm looking forward to the years when she joins us at the table, it was nice that we had an adult meal this year. =)  My dad grilled steaks which might seem so non-traditional, but we have always had steaks for Thanksgiving so I happened to love it!

When Finley woke up from her nap, she discovered Grandpa Bill's recliner and was instantly in love!  I don't think Grandpa Bill would share his recliner with anyone else so it was pretty cute to see them together.

Grandpa Bill also decided to share his other "toys" with her including his tractor and the 4 wheeler.  Finley was in heaven!

She refused to let Grandpa Bill out of her sight and I think just maybe he liked it as much as she did! =)

We had such a good time with my family and since we don't see them as often as we would like, it was nice to just enjoy a relaxing day with them.  When we got home, we decided to be a bit productive even though we were tired.  Devin finished taping off LbC's room while I pulled out some of our Christmas decorations.  We then watched football and went to bed!

Friday:
We got up early and made a beeline to the mall for Black Friday.  We knew we were insane because we weren't actually going to buy presents.  I have been fairly productive with Christmas gifts... Both my sister-in-laws and nephews are taken care of and my brother is almost completely done as well.  We are also almost done with Finley and just really lack those that we don't have any ideas for so instead of going to buy for others, we were more going to find ourselves things! =)  Well, really, Devin and I just needed to try on stuff and show each other what we wanted for Christmas.  It was so crazy that we weren't successful at all.  We did find our Angel Tree girl which I was thrilled about!  It is one of my favorite traditions and I wanted to get started.
Just as we started to make some progress, it became clear that Finley needed a nap so we left discouraged and went home.  While Finley napped, I decorated the inside of our house and Devin put up Christmas lights.  Devin also worked on painting LbC's room some more.  Once Finley was up, we went BACK to the mall and were much more successful this time which was a great relief!
Back at home, I fixed some ham and mashed potatoes to go with the leftover dressing, Devin finished up the painting, and I did some online shopping!

Saturday:
We slept in, ate breakfast, and finished up Christmas decorating.  We also took the tape off the walls in the nursery and I LOVE how it turned out.  There were several times that I began doubting our paint decision so I was really relieved when I liked the final result!  Devin worked so hard on it that I would have felt really bad if I hadn't liked it!
We ran a few errands and then came home and got ready for Bedlam.  We dropped Finley off and headed to Stillwater.  The game was interesting.... and incredibly disappointing.  I did not feel like we played our best football and though I know that was partly because we were playing against a really good team, it just felt like we were out-coached and I hate that!  We had a little hope of winning at the end only to have it dashed!  Ridiculous!

Sunday:
We woke up for church feeling like we had been run over by a truck.  Devin and I were exhausted!  We didn't get to sleep until almost 2 which is soooooo late for us.  This was an important Sunday for us though because we were joining our church and so we knew we couldn't miss! =)  After church, Beth and Kenny came by because they were in town to buy a Christmas tree.  It was so good to see them because it has been way tooo long!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  After they left, I worked on Bible Study, went grocery shopping, and did laundry, etc.

And that was it... A long, but great weekend!  We had a perfect mix of productivity and relaxation though I think we might have enjoyed just a bit more rest! =)

We are so thankful for another year and another Thanksgiving as a family!