Just one...

 

Last night, I went to the baptism of Kristin's daughter, Madeline.  It was so sweet as I watched her pray and be dunked in the water and then emerge to applause.  I admit I became a little emotional on the drive home as I realized that Madeline is only a couple of years older than Finley.  I've always prayed that my children would put their faith in Christ at an early age and just seeing Madeline made me realize my own need to be more intentional with sharing the Gospel message with my kids.  Even though I try to incorporate it into holidays and every day conversations, I'm not sure how proactive I really am....

I do so many things wrong each day.  I am impatient, easily frustrated, constantly asking for forgiveness and grace.... I hide behind my phone and pretend to be looking for Finley during hide-and-seek... I constantly "hurry" us all from one task to the next and too often lose it when their little legs don't go as fast as I'd like... I tire quickly of the "why?" question game and all too frequently beg for just a moment of quiet.

But if I can do just one thing right it would be to teach my kids about Jesus... to encourage them to have a personal relationship with their Savior.  I've got to do better on this front.... and well, all the above fronts as well! =)

Today, Finley was playing with her Little People animals and told me that one of her giraffes had died and gone to "giraffe heaven".  And I asked her if she wanted to go to heaven one day and she said "Yes!"  And so I asked her if she wanted to know how to get to heaven and thankfully, she was excited to learn.  So in a very simple way I just told her about the grace that is only given at the foot of the cross and the Savior that redeemed us through His blood asking us only to believe in Him and the One who sent Him.  Though I'm not sure she totally understood even my simple explanation.... she was much more interested in knowing if we could fly an airplane to heaven... it's a start and hopefully, one that will lead to many, many, many more discussions in the future.

She's BAAAACK!

It has been a rough few weeks around the C household!  After returning from Chicago, I was sure my sweet little girl was gone forever.  It has been heart breaking and incredibly challenging.  Every day, Devin and I would have a new theory:  terrible 2's, separation anxiety, teething, delayed jealousy over Jude, and even fears of molestation or abuse.  When we came home to a stranger, we were desperate for answers and reasons why things changed.  We were also desperate for immediate solutions!

I am thankful that despite the tears, tantrums, timeouts, spankings, extreme emotional rollercoaster, grumpiness, anxiety, constant fit throwing, and oh, so much more that each day, she seemed to get just a tiny bit better.  Every once in awhile I would get a very rare glimpse into my sweet Finley again and that slight bit of encouragement would keep me hanging on when I seriously felt at the end of my rope.

Only God knows how many times I called out to Him in desperation.  I had more than one heart to heart talk that let Him know that I couldn't take much more, but the last few days have been so wonderful.  She's back!  Our little girl is finally back.  Maybe only 95% back, but she is back!

And I have missed her greatly!  I told Devin that maybe these last few weeks were what I needed to appreciate her more!  I find myself downright giddy when I see her dancing up a storm to her Elmo Potty video, when she starts singing in the car, when she runs to give me unexpected hugs, when she laughs so hard she's crying, when she declares the person closest to her to be "SOOOO silly!", when she barrell rolls down the hallway, and when the light in her eye that had been missing is clearly in view.

After the first few days we were back, Devin looked at me and said "I can't even look at her anymore.  She looks so miserable and I can't handle it."  So for us to see that smile, hear that laugh, and hold our loveable girl again has been amazing.

She still has some lingering separation anxiety when being left at church, MDO, or Bible Study and naps and bedtimes have become a nightmare.  We've never had problems getting her to go to sleep, but now it is an ordeal.  She still also has freak-outs if she can't immediately find one of us, but for the most part, our darling little one is back and we are beyond thankful!

God Gives Hope to the Hopeless

and BSF to the Momless....

Two Years Ago:

When I found out I was pregnant, I immediately started asking God to provide Godly resources for raising children.  

One Year Ago:

Finley was 6 months old before I first heard of BSF.  My friend, Mary, invited me to attend BSF with her last May and sign up for the study of John which would start in the Fall.  I went with a closed heart and a skeptical mind, but praying that God would reveal if BSF was a place for me.

I will never forget that morning at BSF because I knew instantly that BSF was where I wanted to be... and more importantly where God wanted me to be.  As Jodi, the teaching leader, lectured, it was if she was speaking straight to me.  She seemed to touch on every single sensitive issue that I had been struggling with and yet, she did it with such grace.  How obvious it was to see that God was pouring His words out of her!

BSF-- Fall 2009:

Over the summer I secured childcare for Finley on Tuesdays just so that I could be a part of BSF.  I had not planned to put Finley in MDO, but it was a blessing for both of us.  Each week at BSF, I waited to pick up a pink sheet.  The pink sheet given each week was devoted to Raising Godly Children.  I poured over each one so thankful that God was providing just as I had prayed that He would over a year before.

November 2009:

My discussion group leader left and we received a new one.  I was upset, angry, and confused. Our discussion group was close and we were quite happy with our leader. Then Vicki, our new leader, opened up at our fellowship, revealing that she had lost both of her parents and had struggled with raising her children without the help of her mom.  Though our whole group was not represented, we found that all of us there but one lives without one or both of our parents and our group is very young!  I knew that once again God had answered.  Our group bonded with Vicki instantly.

January 2010:

BSF opened up an under 2 program that allowed Finley to learn the same Bible truths that I was learning each week.  I broke down thinking about how God had answered once again.  Instead of dropping Finley off at MDO on Tuesday's and rushing to BSF, we were able to go together. 

The 3rd week I brought her with me, Finley started struggling with stranger anxiety for the first time in her life.  She clung to me and her teacher, Mrs. F, prayed over her.  I cried.  What a gift it was to have someone pray for her!  I felt a burden lifted...  I knew that her leaders were sharing in my desire to teach her the Word of God and to pray for her.  A gift I could've never expected from a stranger.  (I told Mrs. F how much that had meant to me and she started crying!  Isn't it amazing how others can touch us so profoundly and not even know it?)

April & May 2010:

Jodi called me at the end of April and asked to interview me for leadership.  She came to our house and I poured out my heart.  After telling her far more than she probably ever wanted to know, she said "We would be honored to have you join our team."  I couldn't believe that God had opened this door for I felt and still feel so unworthy, but most of all, I am thankful.  Thankful to be a part of such a Godly group of women especially after serving as a Discussion Leader in Training for the last weeks of April and beginning of May and seeing how God is using them.

Yesterday:

We had Sharing Day (a chance to reflect and give thanks for how we've seen God work in our lives during the past BSF year) for the Leadership Team of BSF.   Vicki and I shared how God had orchestrated our little group who had experienced such loss.  As we were taking a bathroom break, another Discussion Leader, Emily, approached me.  She said "I lost my mom 12 years ago and I always love seeing how God uses BSF to help the momless.  It seems I'm constantly seeing it year after year."

The "Momless"... I've never heard that term before and can't say I enjoy being in this group, but it's comforting to think that just as God gives hope to the hopeless, He gives BSF to the momless.  Of course, BSF is just a tool and one that He uses for more populations than just the momless, but it's nice to feel understood.  It's nice to have a place. 

Today:

Today was the last BSF of the year and was a Sharing Day for all of the class members.  It was nothing short of incredible.  As one lady shared about how meaningful the Children's Program had been to her, I teared up knowing that I couldn't have said it better myself.  She said:

The best way to love me is to love my children.

And the best way to love my children is to teach them about the One who loves them more than I ever could.

The Lord answers.  Sometimes it isn't how I expect and sometimes it isn't in my timing, but He does answer.  BSF has been an amazing answer to what felt like at times a hopeless prayer.  I am so grateful to serve a God who gives hope to the hopeless and brought BSF to me, the momless.

Messy, Messy... A Parenting Philosophy

Since my last post was titled "Busy, Busy", I thought "Messy, Messy" seemed like an appropriate follow-up!

When I was snapping this picture of Finley who had somehow found an old compact of make-up hidden under my sink and had expertly applied the lipstick to her mouth area, I realized that I am constantly taking pictures of Finley making messes!

I am sure that I have the weirdest and most bizarre parenting philosophy ever when it comes to messes, but I am completely okay with her making them!  Even Devin the other night said "I can't believe you are letting her do that."  To which, I panicked because I thought I was missing something major when it just boiled down to the fact that he couldn't believe I was letting her make such a huge disaster!

I basically have 3 rules when it comes to messes:

1. She has to be having fun and learning through the process of making the mess... I do not allow her to make a mess because she is frustrated, angry, or throwing a fit.

2. She can only make food messes when she is trying to feed herself... food is not a toy and shouldn't be played with.

3. She MUST help me clean up her mess.  Granted, she isn't really old enough to help clean up all messes, but we sing a song and she sits in my lap as we clean up.... ALWAYS... no exception.

{I also obviously do not let her make messes involving something that would hurt her or something of value.}

Why I let her make a mess:

1. What takes her 20-30 minutes to mess up takes less than 5 minutes to clean up.  That 20-30 minutes buys me enough time to get ready in the morning, check my email, fold laundry, or get dinner started.

2. I am by nature a messy person.  I may be a Type-A, perfectionist kind of girl, but whether I'm crafting, cooking, or even cleaning, it usually looks worse before it looks better.  I learn through my hands and if I worry about keeping it all clean, I don't get the same experience.

3. My second-graders taught me many things, but one of the most important lessons I learned is that saying "No" all day long accomplished two things: 1. Complete tune-out by them  and 2. Utter exhaustion for me.  Finley does understand "No" and by only utilizing it when it's absolutely necessary, I'm hoping she will be more obedient to the concept of it!

As she gets older, we will have more conversations about messes...  At this age, I think messes are important to her development, but as she gets older, she will need to learn when messes are appropriate and when they are not.  My biggest fear is that she will absolutely destroy someone else's house... I definitely want her to be respectful of other's things!!!!  So I'm sure the rules will evolve, but I hope that I will always see the value in 

 

messy hands... 

and messy lips.

Parenthood is...

One of my biggest weaknesses is TV.  I am addicted to my DVR and record a million shows so that I can catch up during Finley's nap times.  It's been awhile since I've been really excited about a new show, but I absolutely can't wait until tomorrow night's premiere of Parenthood.  I am loving all the commercials for it, but there is one that gets me EVERY time...

It says:

"Parenthood is..."

"too short."

I seriously tear up every time I watch it, because yes, parenthood is incredibly short.  Especially when as a believer we are called to raise Godly children who are independent and able to leave and cleave to their own family one day.  I'm pretty sure that "one day" will be here before I know it!

It's difficult sometimes to not want to raise a co-dependent child.  It's awfully hard for me to think about Finley not needing me one day and yet, that is my very goal as her mother.  Of course, I will always be here for her, but there will come a day when if she turns to me before her husband that I'll have to say "Have you talked to ______ about how you are feeling?  You haven't?  Well, sweetie, you need to pray and seek God's wisdom and then talk to your husband.  I'll be praying for you too."

I'm sure that along this parenthood road, there will be many opportunities where I have to direct Finley away from me and onto God, but somehow that seems easier than thinking on to the days where she just doesn't even need me to point her in the right direction anymore! 

When the Bible discusses that there will be pain in childbirth due to the fall, I truly think our intense connection to our children is part of this.  As mothers, it is just plain hard to let go!  I'm constantly praying that God will do whatever is necessary to bring Finley to Him and for me the grace to handle it.  

I tell her every day that she will always be my baby and I know that's true even if it means raising her constantly from birth to be independent of me.  I just hope that in the process I can create and appreciate as many amazing memories as possible during her childhood and raise a Godly little girl who I can one day have a wonderful adult relationship with.

Being Thankful

On Monday, Finley and I drove to the City Rescue Mission downtown to deliver a turkey.  I got us majorally lost in the process and was about ready to give in when I happened upon it.  We started this tradition last year and it was no less uncomfortable with a 13 month old as it was with a 1 month old.  Seeing all of the homeless people milling around, well, it was just one of those hold-your-purse-close-to-you-don't-make-eye-contact moments.  

...

Recently, Jenny Simmons blogged about being Godly...  She is one of my favorite bloggers and even though we've never met, I like to think we are related.  She is afterall the lead singer of Addison Road... the group that Travis, Beth's cousin, is in and since Beth is my sister and all, I figure somehow that makes Jenny and I relatives... or at the very least friends!

She has an uncanny ability to make me laugh and cry within a single sentence and I love her honesty and perspective.  I don't, however, like how much she can make me grow in the midst of a single post.  I mean really... Blogging is just for fun! ;)

Beth called me after this post and said "I really hate that a 23-year-old is smarter than me."  I asked her if it would make her feel better that Jenny is 29 and she said "Yes, actually it does."  Ha, ha!

...

Finley and I were taking the turkey because I wanted to DO something.  Devin and I are good at writing checks.  In fact, we had already given to several organizations for Thanksgiving, but I wanted Finley to have an active part in helping others.  I want her to see just how much more we have than others... how much God has blessed us and how we grateful we should be.

But where's the line?

The perfect line on the spectrum of naive and worldly.  How do I train her to be pure and innocent without being naive; yet aware without being wordly?  How do I protect her and yet not shelter her to the point that she is ignorant?

It's questions like these that make me fall to my knees so thankful that God has entrusted me with this responsibility and yet so overwhelmed because I have no idea how to be the parent I so desire to be.

As Jenny puts it:

"You can’t very well walk around with your eyes closed. Though many try. I meet a lot of religious people around the country who are convinced that trying to raise their kids with a blindfold and earplugs and a chastity belt and ankle cuffs and no access to the real world will protect them from the pitfalls of human nature and keep them a safe distance from all things unholy. The general result of this protectionism tactic is students who have no clue what it’s like to be human in this great big world. They know only one thing, one way, and they cannot relate to anyone else. These are the kids who would have been shocked had they taken a field trip with Jesus. It would have been the most inappropriate field trip of their lives; visiting prostitutes and wedding parties that were overflowing with wine and all."

And that's the key...  In order to raise her to be holy, I must raise her to not look away even when I myself want to look away....

"Well, it is quite an easy exercise to use my faith as an excuse for closing my eyes to everything else that exists in the world. But the problem is, Jesus didn’t seem to close his eyes. He was sort of out there in the mix of things calling them for what they were: light or dark. And I can almost envision Him walking by a beach full of religious people with their heads buried in the sand, like ostrich do, and Jesus plucking them out (perhaps laughing a bit as the sun stings their eyes), so that they can actually see and interact and get up close and personal with the real world."

How much easier it would be to give Finley a blindfold, earplugs, and a chastity belt!!!!!  I admit that it is so incredibly tempting.

...

But Christ didn't just write a check to His local charity... He was out amongst the real world.  Did that make Him worldly?  No.  Was He still pure, innocent, Godly?  Of course.

It is so obvious that I need to get out of my comfort zone (because let's be honest... our 20 minutes on the wrong side of town is hardly a REAL sacrifice!) and be thankful... truly thankful for what God has blessed us with... in order to be Godly.  Not just around Thanksgiving, but every second of every day.