Undone: 39 Weeks In & 39 Weeks Out

This week Evi has officially been on earth for 39 weeks.  She has been "out" as long as she was "in" and it's crazy to think about that.  My whole pregnancy with Evi was simply the best 39 weeks.  God left me completely undone.  I wrote the following when Evi was a little over a month old, but I never posted it.  I hope to ellaborate on a bit of this tomorrow because I never want to forget just how amazing God is, but I think what I wrote all those months ago is perfect for the first installment. :)

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Life with 3 kids has left me undone.

Undone in the most amazing way.  In a way that only God could have orchestrated....

I will never know what it is like to research fertility options. Never endure the emotional rollercoaster of trying for a baby month after month.  Never have to calculate ovulation dates or avoid the well-meaning curiosity of family and friends.  That wasn't the path God chose to put me on and I can't even fathom what that path must be like.

Instead I have never had to even think about trying for a baby.  And yet despite that fact, I know distinctly what it's like to want a baby and not know whether that baby is a part of God's plan for me.  I know what it's like to pray for a child day after day and envision my life with this baby even without knowing if I'll ever feel that baby rest against my chest.  I know what it's like to pick out baby names for a baby that seems so real, but may never actually be real.

And I also know what it's like to find out that the baby I've wished for is going to be a reality.  I know that "too-good-to-possibly-be-true" feeling that occurs when you find out your dreams are coming true.  I know what it's like to spend months agonizing over all the things that could go wrong.

And here I am on the other side... with the baby I dreamed about.  The too-good-to-be-true baby that is perfectly healthy and more amazing than I had dared thought possible.

Every aspect of my pregnancy with Evi was ideal... finding out on my birthday, learning we were having another girl on Christmas Day, and welcoming little Evi on the day I prayed for-- May 1st.

And so I am undone.

I spent the first two weeks of Evi's life very paranoid.  I kept waiting for something to happen... something bad to happen.  I questioned everything she was doing... googling symptoms in the middle of the night and begging her to smile at me because I was desperate to know that she loved me as much as I loved her.

It all just seemed too good to be true....

Thankfully after Evi's two-week check-up (the one where I really thought my pediatrician might send me to my OB for a postpartum paranoia consult), I pulled out of it.  Evi is perfect.  She is an amazing gift that God gave to me.  I don't know what the future holds.  She might get sick.  She may die.  She might be the most difficult child ever created.  Or she might not.

But I couldn't be more blessed.  I am the mom to 3 beautiful kids.  I still can't completely believe that God has given me my fairy tale!  A fairy tale that I so don't deserve, but one that the God of the universe chose to give me out of the richness of His love.  He created me and knows the desires of my heart so intimately and I will praise Him for loving me so unconditionally.  For caring about the most minute details of my life.  For performing miracles on a daily basis.  For disciplining me out of love.  For growing me through challenges.  For giving and taking away.  For always doing what is best for me even when I can't see it.

I am not the same as I was before I had Evi.  I am somehow even more in love with being a mom.  So in love with having 3 kids.  So in love with my husband and the family we have been entrusted with.  And most of all in love with my Savior who continues to amaze me far beyond what I could ever imagine.

A Savior that has left me undone.