Mother's Day

Me and My Mom & Me and Finley

(Finley and I are both 6 1/2 months old in these pictures.)

I have been curious.  

Curious as to how I would feel about Mother's Day once I actually became a mom.  

Curious to know whether I would be able to put aside all the reasons I've come to be emotionally detached from this day over the years.

Curious to see if as by magic I would feel connected to a day that I have often tried to ignore.

Curious to understand what it would feel like on THIS side of things.

And truthfully, I'm still figuring out how I feel.

Partially because I still haven't grasped the fact that I am indeed a mother.  The past six months have been so normal.  So natural.  So simple.  So anti-climatic.  It is almost as if nothing major has changed.  I've been struggling with this, to be honest.  Like maybe I'm not a good mother because my life hasn't been completely altered by giving birth.  I think "What am I doing wrong?"  Because clearly I am doing something wrong.... right?  (Even writing this paragraph seems wrong.)

The other day, however, I had a moment of clarity.  I remembered how incredibly natural it was to become Devin's wife.  Like it was the role I had always been meant to play.  Like it was the role I had ALWAYS played.  Within months, I couldn't remember what it was like to not have been married to him because it was such a perfect fit.  And I thought "This is how things of God are supposed to feel."  Even monumentally HUGE moments and changes in our lives can feel completely natural when God ordains them.  

(Not that change can't feel incredibly scary and still be God ordained...)  

And I think that's how it feels to be Finley's mother.  It isn't scary.  It doesn't change who I am other than perhaps creating a larger addiction to caffeine, photography, and hair bows.  It just gives me another role to play.  One that was tailor made for me by the Creator Himself.  One that I absolutely LOVE.  It is amazingly wonderful and completely natural at the same time.  Bizarre, but true.  Sometimes it seems that God gives us something life changing without it being life altering.  I don't know if the difference makes sense, but it's the best way I can explain it.

So back to Mother's Day...  I am a mother.  One who has always reveled in the need to be good at everything.  To be successful.  To do the right thing.  Make the perfect grade. To complete the "To Do" List... perfectly... two days earlier than planned... with several things added. 

Yet, I don't know how to measure success as a mom.

Will I consider myself successful....

when Finley is 4 and says Please and Thank you?

when she is 5 and learns not to interrupt my adult conversation?

when she is 7 and knows how to read?

when she is 10 and can recite more Bible verses than I can?

when she is 13 and has Godly friends?

when she is 16 and dates the right kind of guys?

when she is 21 and is finishing her college degree?

when she is 24 and is still dating the right kind of guys?

when she is 30 and has a family of her own?

Every day, I ask God to give me wisdom to be successful.  I pray that I will know when to discipline, when to comfort, when to be the mom, and when to be the friend.  But mostly I pray to truly know her.  To know her so completely that I can decipher exactly what she needs from me.  Ultimately what I want for Finley is something I can not give.  I want her to love Christ with her whole heart, mind, and strength.  To devote her life to being His.  And that can only be found through her discovery of God's sweet and amazing grace.  I can model.  I can pray.  I can want.  I can train.  But I cannot force.

Late at night when I'm feeding Finley her last bottle of the day, I plead...

"Please God when she looks at me, please, please let her see You."  

And that's the only measure of success I need.