She Left Proof--December 2011

Two years ago today, I started this challenge in honor of my mom's birthday....

And it has been a challenge.

I had hoped it would help me be more creative.  To step out from behind the camera more.  To capture candid moments as well as the posed.

Instead I usually find myself trying to take a picture the day I'm going to post this, but that's okay.  I'm glad that I have kept it going and hope that my kids will someday appreciate it as well.

I wanted to post a picture of me and my mom today and thought I might do that every year on her birthday until I run out of pictures to post.  It's kind of strange to realize that there are a finite amount of pictures of the two of us.  There will only be what is.  It's hard to comprehend even though it is obvious.

I didn't take too long to dig, but found this one and decided it would do.  I laugh now as I post it because even though I love this picture, I'm sure if my mom was alive, she would kill me for posting it.  Why that strikes me as funny, I'm not quite sure, but it does.  It's nice to think of her as a real person and not just a memory.  (Of course, I may have also picked this one because I've seen the same face I have in this picture on a certain 3 year old I know and love.)

Every year is different.  Some I find myself feeling out of sorts weeks before the date arrives while others sort of come out of nowhere.  Grief is funny that way.  Easy is never an adjective I can use to describe these "holidays" of mine and yet there are definitely varying degrees of difficulty.

Thankfully, this year has been relatively easier than some.  And I am thankful that my Savior as always has prepared this broken heart of mine to find itself through another year... another anniversary of what could've, should've, would've been's.  Oh, how this human heart and mind can't comprehend the reasons of a mighty God, but that's okay with me.

This past week in BSF, we have been looking at Hebrews.  And this morning, thanks to the early rising of a sweet, but sick little boy, I had the chance to read over the notes covering what we had studied and how appropriate that this was one of the first things I read today:

"For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are-- yet without sin.  Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need."  Hebrews 4:15-16

How powerful to think that Christ experienced the same emotions I do in regards to my mom.  He knows my limitations.  He understands my grieving.  He gets my longings.  He receives my tears.  He feels my frustrations, my sadness, my loneliness.  He knows it all.  Has been through it all.  And because of Him, I can pray knowing that my heart will find the mercy and grace it needs.  That despite my inability to get the bigger plan, He is there... drying my tears, filling me with peace, pouring His love upon me.

How I need that every day....  especially ones like today.