Keeping Time

In the midst of putting Finley's first birthday party together, I realized that I've spent much of the last eighteen years keeping time by my mother's death.  

It isn't Christmas... it's the 10th Christmas since Mom died.  It isn't my 30th birthday... it's my 17th birthday without my mom.  And so on...

I'm sure this is why holidays seem to be a bit more draining for me than the average person and I'm not sure what to think about this realization.  Living life always connecting it to what I'm living without doesn't seem like the healthiest way, but I know it has been my way of holding on to her... of holding on to her memory. 

My mom was such a Martha Stewart... always making things instead of buying them... always fixing up something someone else saw as trash... always sewing... always glue-gunning... always crafting... always creating.

I'm sure this is why I tend to go overboard on some of my projects.

For instance, Finley's invitations...

Or perhaps, the rather large picture of her over the cake table...

Or even her birthday outfit...

 

When I pull out my sewing machine or glue gun, I feel closer to my mom.  And somehow doing these things for Finley makes it more difficult to keep time according to her death since unfortunately, she was never here to meet her.  I can't very well keep track of Finley's life based on how many years it's been since her grandmother passed away.  

Plain and simple, being a mom without a mom is the most difficult thing God has ever asked me to do.  

On my good days, I revel in the fact that God has allowed me to share motherhood with my mom... to see things in the way that she must have.  On my bad days, I have to remind myself that God hurts with me and that only He can fill the void left by my mother's death.

I so wish I could ask my mom what I was like at Finley's age.  To have her tell me how we are alike and how we are different.  To tell me what she struggled with and what she most enjoyed.  To have her share in the absolute joys of watching something you helped create grow and change with every day.  

Even though it's me who should be teaching Finley new things, it's Finley who is teaching me...   God is allowing me to see the world and Him through her eyes and hold onto my mom without trying so hard....  I'm beginning to keep time in a whole new way and though still difficult, it seems a bit healthier.